47 more one-liners

47 more one-liners:

 1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 

 2. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 

 3. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 

 4. I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. 

 5. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 

 6. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 

 7. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. 

 8. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. 

 9. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 

10. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! 

11. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! 

12. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States. 

13. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. 

14. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. 

15. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. 

16. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 

17. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 

18. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 

19. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. 

20. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. 

21. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 

22. 24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence? 

23. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
    something. 

24. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. 

25. Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire. 

26. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. 

27. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. 

28. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! 

29. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? 

30. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? 

31. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 

32. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. 

33. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 

34. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. 

35. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 

36. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. 

37. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? 

38. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. 

39. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. 

40. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 

41. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! 

42. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. 

43. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 

44. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! 

45. Black holes are where God divided by zero. 

46. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. 

47. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. 

End of the world

2012

Tonite i'm gonna party like its 1995.


OK.  Late December, 2012, the Mayan calendar resets a 5,000 year gear to
13.0.0.0.0.  Numerous North American writers- noticeably Jose Arguelles and the
late Terrence McKenna - have applied apocalyptic ultimatums towards this date. 
Certain psychedelic, new age and trance techno communities have eagerly embraced
these concepts over the past decade, with visions and promises of galactic
transformation, global healing, spiritual enlightenment and so on.

In 1995 I answered Jose Arguelles 'Planetary Ultimatum' and travelled to the
Yucatan Peninsula to witness the annual Spring Equinox at Kulkulkan's great
pyramid at Chichen Itza, Mexico.  Every equinox, the afternoon sun casts a shadow
from the corner of the pyramid that clearly becomes the image of a large serpent
slowly entering the earth along one of the pyramid's stairways, a sign that
begins their slash and burn agricultural season, a message from the Gods that the
earth is fertile for planting.  In Chichen Itza- a town of about 1,500
inhabitants- I managed to meet local Mayans of our generation, who have grown up
indoctrinated in their culture.  I met the local DJ who plays the dance music at
their parties, and the local dance promoter.  I asked them about 2012 and they
would explain that whenever some new book comes out, groups of people converge on
them from the North and tell them what the carvings they've grown up with on the
rocks REALLY say.  The locals shrug and gladly do business with the tourists.

I managed to pick up some information on the Mayan calendar at the Pyramid
Bookstore in Chichen Itza, and realized the information I found there contrasted
greatly with the shrill warnings spouted by the likes of McKenna.  The Spanish
text explained that yes, the Mayan Calendar is indeed amazing and can specify the
exact name of a day, hundreds of zeroes in years away, much greater than 5,000
year cycles.  To be clear, the 5,000 year reset of the Mayan Calendar in 2012 is
NOT the end of Mayan time by any means, the date is as prophetically significant
as any old 12 noon Monday.  The Mayan Calendar works with a number of
interlocking gears; the variously toothed wheels keep spinning, without a
beginning or end.  Further, the Spanish texts went on to explain that anyone who
was around on any given day saw the sun come up and go down just the same, so
whatever the day is named is not THAT important.

Digging into Mayan prophecies, I learned that the Mayans are waiting for October
15, 4072, the date Pacal Votan, a Messianic-like ruler, returns.  Pacal Votan's
time-and-space-travel-ascension image is carved into the burial sarcophagus at
the pyramid at Palenque.  I'm not sure how many of you are planning on sticking
around for 4072, or if you're a follower of Pacal Votan or not.  I figure I'll
probably be gone without a trace by then.

From what I have learned, I consider Jose Arguelles, Terrence McKenna, or any of
the other contemporary North American writers using 2012 and Mayan numerology in
association with dogmatic ultimatums to be false prophets.  
Don't drink the kool-aid.

The conscience of a hacker

   Another one got caught today, it's all over the papers.  "Teenager
Arrested in Computer Crime Scandal", "Hacker Arrested after Bank Tampering"...
        Damn kids.  They're all alike.

        But did you, in your three-piece psychology and 1950's technobrain,
ever take a look behind the eyes of the hacker?  Did you ever wonder what
made him tick, what forces shaped him, what may have molded him?
        I am a hacker, enter my world...
        Mine is a world that begins with school... I'm smarter than most of
the other kids, this crap they teach us bores me...
        Damn underachiever.  They're all alike.

        I'm in junior high or high school.  I've listened to teachers explain
for the fifteenth time how to reduce a fraction.  I understand it.  "No, Ms.
Smith, I didn't show my work.  I did it in my head..."
        Damn kid.  Probably copied it.  They're all alike.

        I made a discovery today.  I found a computer.  Wait a second, this is
cool.  It does what I want it to.  If it makes a mistake, it's because I
screwed it up.  Not because it doesn't like me...
                Or feels threatened by me...
                Or thinks I'm a smart ass...
                Or doesn't like teaching and shouldn't be here...
        Damn kid.  All he does is play games.  They're all alike.

        And then it happened... a door opened to a world... rushing through
the phone line like heroin through an addict's veins, an electronic pulse is
sent out, a refuge from the day-to-day incompetencies is sought... a board is
found.
        "This is it... this is where I belong..."
        I know everyone here... even if I've never met them, never talked to
them, may never hear from them again... I know you all...
        Damn kid.  Tying up the phone line again.  They're all alike...

        You bet your ass we're all alike... we've been spoon-fed baby food at
school when we hungered for steak... the bits of meat that you did let slip
through were pre-chewed and tasteless.  We've been dominated by sadists, or
ignored by the apathetic.  The few that had something to teach found us will-
ing pupils, but those few are like drops of water in the desert.

        This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch, the
beauty of the baud.  We make use of a service already existing without paying
for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't run by profiteering gluttons, and
you call us criminals.  We explore... and you call us criminals.  We seek
after knowledge... and you call us criminals.  We exist without skin color,
without nationality, without religious bias... and you call us criminals.
You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat, and lie to us
and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet we're the criminals.

        Yes, I am a criminal.  My crime is that of curiosity.  My crime is
that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like.
My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive me
for.

        I am a hacker, and this is my manifesto.  You may stop this individual,
but you can't stop us all... after all, we're all alike.

                               +++The Mentor+++